In my previous post, I shared my encounter with a friendly local sorbet maker. His showmanship was not a mask but rather a reflection of his own scary, scary reality. (Please make sure to visit both Black Holes, so you'll understand). Now that I'm done with eating sorbet forever, I've had extra time to think about why this guy and his dessert freaked me out. Talking to him at the farmer's market was fine, because I could at least tell myself that it was all an elaborate act. There was actually no reason not to think this, as he had a megaphone, was spouting religious text, and playing a recording of church organ music while telling me that he would 'convert me into a believer.' Joke, right? As usual, the Internet simultaneously cleared things up for me and made me afraid to ever leave my apartment again.
And why try to write about it? I've realized that I am driven to extreme excitement over ridiculous things that are actually serious. I've asked around, and it's not just me: we take a sick pleasure in trying to figure out how 'serious' a given spectacle is, and are left both giddy and aghast when it turns out to be as real as real gets. It's more than being stuck to the T.V. watching an L.A. car chase. When I can't figure out if something is earnest or not, and when it turns out it's real, it becomes both hilarious and horrifying. Examples include:
Joaquin Phoenix on Letterman
The Miss Virginia Pageant (there is no video online, but just think Little Miss Sunshine if it were real and about 50 times scarier)
That adorable time Kim Jong Il celebrated the launch of North Korea's satellite (read: super deadly missile headed in our general direction)
Crispin Glover on Letterman
Crispin Glover in anything
Sarah Palin
If you agree that this is a feeling that needs to be share, here are some possible holiday presents that can inspire that giddy disbelief in your nearest and dearest:
Hug Me Pillow
The picture says it all, so I have nothing to add. Note that people are buying and enjoying it, and it is currently out of stock.
The Pursuit of Excellence: Ferrets
No, not ferrets in general. Ferret enthusiasts. Like, people who are really enthusiastic in a Best in Show kind of way. The song is where I started to get scared.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Anti-semitic dessert
I love farmer's markets. Love them. They're fresh, honest and full of interesting produce and people. You can enjoy yourself whether you're obsessed with buying local, or if the fluorescent lights at the mega mart make you ill.
A few months ago, I had a questionable experience at a different farmer's market than the one that I usually frequent. We were accosted by a man and his daughter, who had what seemed to be a funny pitch - selling sorbet in the style of a preacher, as though God made it Himself. (I'd try to be all P.C. and say 'Herself', but as you'll see, there is no way that these people would go for that.)
The man had a megaphone, and was extolling the virtues of his homemade sorbet in biblical fashion, with church organ music playing in a loop from a CD player. His adorable daughter stood by shyly. At the time I hoped she understood the joke. This is back when I thought there was a joke.
He lured us in, never breaking the preacher act. We bought some sorbet so we could get away quickly, and passed it off as an elaborate show. It seemed far too crazy to be real I forgot about them until recently, when I thought I would look them up and try to remember the name of the farm - The Holy GraEL.
I think that the website is pretty self-explanatory (or at least, my reasons for posting it). I can't even count the number of things that frighten me about it, so I'll let you form your own impressions. Please note the fine progression of crazy from top to bottom, as well as the innovative website design (from top to bottom). To explain the title of the post, you'll need to Enter the Black Hole. Both of them.
Today's lesson: always scroll down/flip to the end/read the fine print before you buy your desserts.
A few months ago, I had a questionable experience at a different farmer's market than the one that I usually frequent. We were accosted by a man and his daughter, who had what seemed to be a funny pitch - selling sorbet in the style of a preacher, as though God made it Himself. (I'd try to be all P.C. and say 'Herself', but as you'll see, there is no way that these people would go for that.)
The man had a megaphone, and was extolling the virtues of his homemade sorbet in biblical fashion, with church organ music playing in a loop from a CD player. His adorable daughter stood by shyly. At the time I hoped she understood the joke. This is back when I thought there was a joke.
He lured us in, never breaking the preacher act. We bought some sorbet so we could get away quickly, and passed it off as an elaborate show. It seemed far too crazy to be real I forgot about them until recently, when I thought I would look them up and try to remember the name of the farm - The Holy GraEL.
I think that the website is pretty self-explanatory (or at least, my reasons for posting it). I can't even count the number of things that frighten me about it, so I'll let you form your own impressions. Please note the fine progression of crazy from top to bottom, as well as the innovative website design (from top to bottom). To explain the title of the post, you'll need to Enter the Black Hole. Both of them.
Today's lesson: always scroll down/flip to the end/read the fine print before you buy your desserts.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Lying Liars on the Internets
I just completed about 5.5 hours of Excel 2007 training on the Internet. I know what you're thinking: No. It doesn't get any better than this.
Honestly, I learned a lot of tricks that will prove useful at work. It's not riveting, but I would say that the utility involved is Excel-lent. (I'm sorry, that's been rolling around in my head all day and I had to get it out.) I guess the monotony at least makes you appreciate the small, hilarious moments, many of which I recorded as I was watching video after video. I thus present to you:
All that, and a moderately professional certificate to put on the wall.
While the training was a little goofy sometimes, I certainly wouldn't classify anything I heard as potentially destructive. For instance, the woman leading the training videos at no time made an attempt to ruin my life and career in the name of taking my money. This is where Excel training and the University of Phoenix are different.
While I have never had the pleasure of partying with an enrollment counselor, I have met various characters on the Internet that would like to take my money in elaborate ways. I often post ads to tutor Spanish, and receive a multitude of emails. A few are legit, and most are poorly-written inquiries from a man wanting tutoring for his kids, who can only pay me in an oversized-money order, a portion of which I will have to send back to him. I usually ignore these, or write back something snarky that makes it clear that I'm not going to fall for it. Here are some examples of what I could have done that would be much more entertaining and productive. This involved tale takes the cake.
I got a response from my most recent posting asking if I could tutor two children immediately and what my rate was. Thinking I would end it, I told him I charged $500/hour. Then, to my surprise and delight, he wrote me back today with an unexpected answer, which I can only see as a fantastic opportunity:
Game's on, you sad bastard. Get ready to meet a self-employed cat clothing designer who is looking not for money, but for anyone to be her friend.
Honestly, I learned a lot of tricks that will prove useful at work. It's not riveting, but I would say that the utility involved is Excel-lent. (I'm sorry, that's been rolling around in my head all day and I had to get it out.) I guess the monotony at least makes you appreciate the small, hilarious moments, many of which I recorded as I was watching video after video. I thus present to you:
Things I heard during Excel training that probably were not true, some of which are fairly dirty-sounding
"This next feature has gotten ooos and ahhhs every time I've demonstrated it."
"Make sure you know what you're doing before you start, so that your Macro is smooth as silk."
"I really enjoy working with functions in Excel."
"This will whet your appetite."
"There's no pain when working with panes!"
"Make sure you know what you're doing before you start, so that your Macro is smooth as silk."
"I really enjoy working with functions in Excel."
"This will whet your appetite."
"There's no pain when working with panes!"
All that, and a moderately professional certificate to put on the wall.
While the training was a little goofy sometimes, I certainly wouldn't classify anything I heard as potentially destructive. For instance, the woman leading the training videos at no time made an attempt to ruin my life and career in the name of taking my money. This is where Excel training and the University of Phoenix are different.
While I have never had the pleasure of partying with an enrollment counselor, I have met various characters on the Internet that would like to take my money in elaborate ways. I often post ads to tutor Spanish, and receive a multitude of emails. A few are legit, and most are poorly-written inquiries from a man wanting tutoring for his kids, who can only pay me in an oversized-money order, a portion of which I will have to send back to him. I usually ignore these, or write back something snarky that makes it clear that I'm not going to fall for it. Here are some examples of what I could have done that would be much more entertaining and productive. This involved tale takes the cake.
I got a response from my most recent posting asking if I could tutor two children immediately and what my rate was. Thinking I would end it, I told him I charged $500/hour. Then, to my surprise and delight, he wrote me back today with an unexpected answer, which I can only see as a fantastic opportunity:
"Your rate is ok."
Game's on, you sad bastard. Get ready to meet a self-employed cat clothing designer who is looking not for money, but for anyone to be her friend.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
I love this chicken neck
This came my way through Lauren G., and it's infinitely better than any recipes that I put up here:
Note to self: to make cooking better, obtain patience, nice kitchen and hilarious intonation. For my favorite lines, a close second to the post title is "I keep them." (in reference to the pear slices).
Further contributing to the idea that it's not what you say, but how you say it, is the following piece of brilliance. My apologies to those who were beginning to forget that Sarah Palin exists:
And a moment when Shatner's intonation perhaps works less well, depending on how much you like "Rocketman":
We all have our favorite Walken (and possibly Shatner) lines. Now is the time to share them!
Note to self: to make cooking better, obtain patience, nice kitchen and hilarious intonation. For my favorite lines, a close second to the post title is "I keep them." (in reference to the pear slices).
Further contributing to the idea that it's not what you say, but how you say it, is the following piece of brilliance. My apologies to those who were beginning to forget that Sarah Palin exists:
And a moment when Shatner's intonation perhaps works less well, depending on how much you like "Rocketman":
We all have our favorite Walken (and possibly Shatner) lines. Now is the time to share them!
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
And you know that how?
Though I try to understand, I have to admit that I don't know much about the current health care debate. I'm aware of the concerns on each side, but I know that I don't know enough to formulate an opinion or be an advocate one way or the other. Is the current proposed plan going to magically fix all of our lives? Probably not. Would it help improve some huge pitfalls? Most likely. That's about as far as I can go.
However, this video has given me courage. I realize now that I have too long hidden my ignorance. Knowledge isn't necessary for misplaced indignation and yelling (hence, "misplaced"). You can just say whatever you want as long as you are loud enough to hide the fact that you don't know what you are saying. It is time to become an ardent supporter of that which I will never fully understand. Where do I get me some cardboard and markers?
However, this video has given me courage. I realize now that I have too long hidden my ignorance. Knowledge isn't necessary for misplaced indignation and yelling (hence, "misplaced"). You can just say whatever you want as long as you are loud enough to hide the fact that you don't know what you are saying. It is time to become an ardent supporter of that which I will never fully understand. Where do I get me some cardboard and markers?
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
For sale: big watermelon, never eaten
Time for some recipes that helped use up a seemingly insurmountable amount of melon. In general, I find that recipes that list things in separate steps are intimidating and hard to read. Therefore, I'm going to pass my laziness off as an attempt to help, by making extraordinarily short recipes. Think of Six Word Memoirs, but without the artistic merit.
Watermelon gazpacho
If you were going to be a truly good cook, you would pick all the seeds out, or at least start out right and get a seedless watermelon. This is really easy to make if you have a Cuisinart (thanks, Mom!). It's also a perfect summer dish, especially for those who may be tomato-challenged. Enjoy, and watch out for a watermelon growing in your stomach after you're done.
Ingredients:
3 cups watermelon
1 cucumber
1 red pepper
1 small onion
2 tbsp lemon
1 tbsp olive oil
2 tbsp parsley/cilantro
salt+pepper
red wine vinegar
1. Put ingredients in Cuisinart.
2. Put what comes out of Cuisinart into fridge.
3. Eat.
This next recipe sure does take a pretty picture, which is all that matters in life.
Watermelon Soda
some amount of club soda
some amount of watermelon juice
some amount of sugar
1. Juice your watermelon by letting it sit in a colander for a while, or by doing it wrong and impatiently and mushing it up with a spoon. Add sugar to taste.
2. Put ice in a glass and pour however much club soda you want.
3. Add some juice/sugar mixture to taste.
4. Drink it. Feel cool for making your own soda. If applicable, feel lame for calling it pop.
Watermelon gazpacho
If you were going to be a truly good cook, you would pick all the seeds out, or at least start out right and get a seedless watermelon. This is really easy to make if you have a Cuisinart (thanks, Mom!). It's also a perfect summer dish, especially for those who may be tomato-challenged. Enjoy, and watch out for a watermelon growing in your stomach after you're done.
Ingredients:
3 cups watermelon
1 cucumber
1 red pepper
1 small onion
2 tbsp lemon
1 tbsp olive oil
2 tbsp parsley/cilantro
salt+pepper
red wine vinegar
1. Put ingredients in Cuisinart.
2. Put what comes out of Cuisinart into fridge.
3. Eat.
This next recipe sure does take a pretty picture, which is all that matters in life.
Watermelon Soda
some amount of club soda
some amount of watermelon juice
some amount of sugar
1. Juice your watermelon by letting it sit in a colander for a while, or by doing it wrong and impatiently and mushing it up with a spoon. Add sugar to taste.
2. Put ice in a glass and pour however much club soda you want.
3. Add some juice/sugar mixture to taste.
4. Drink it. Feel cool for making your own soda. If applicable, feel lame for calling it pop.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
We can't all marry Liza Minelli
Right? Taking into account the Arrested Development sign, Liza must be an effective political negotiating tool. Clicking through the whole slideshow, I really can't decide which one is my favorite. However, as with most things in life, it brings me great relief to see that others can tell when no one else knows what's going on. And that it's hilarious once you start to take pictures.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
One Fish, Two Fish, Girl Fish...wait a minute...
Since I now spend 2.5 hours in the car every day, coming across cool things on the radio has brings a lot of excitement to my day. I should mention that my definition of excitement is rooted in the fact that if a truck doesn't try to run me off the interstate, it's been a fairly good trip.
Most of this excitement and happiness comes from NPR, though there are other sources that I'll outline eventually. I had to share this story I heard on the way home today, about the prevalence of gender-bending male bass fish in the U.S. Now that I've thought about it, I am reminded of a terrifying primetime special I saw on XXY syndrome in humans, in this case caused by a bee sting (watch out, guys!). However, I burst out laughing when I first heard the fish story. No, I don't think it's ridiculous. However, I do think that these "intersex" fish are going to make the population of bass fishermen highly, highly uncomfortable.
Going back to our literary theme from last time, perhaps the male fish would feel more in touch with themselves if they picked up Middlesex. While I can't come up with one for this book at the moment, please continue to post your own haikus! If you're more into rhyming, do like Ted does and try a limerick, or whatever other kind of poetry floats your boat. Just keep an eye on the fish underneath.
A song that's too good to pass up.
Most of this excitement and happiness comes from NPR, though there are other sources that I'll outline eventually. I had to share this story I heard on the way home today, about the prevalence of gender-bending male bass fish in the U.S. Now that I've thought about it, I am reminded of a terrifying primetime special I saw on XXY syndrome in humans, in this case caused by a bee sting (watch out, guys!). However, I burst out laughing when I first heard the fish story. No, I don't think it's ridiculous. However, I do think that these "intersex" fish are going to make the population of bass fishermen highly, highly uncomfortable.
Going back to our literary theme from last time, perhaps the male fish would feel more in touch with themselves if they picked up Middlesex. While I can't come up with one for this book at the moment, please continue to post your own haikus! If you're more into rhyming, do like Ted does and try a limerick, or whatever other kind of poetry floats your boat. Just keep an eye on the fish underneath.
A song that's too good to pass up.
Monday, September 7, 2009
The wind gently blows/As I read in the summer
Book reviews: too long?
Short and sweet in haiku form
Leaves time to read books.
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly - Jean Dominique Bauby
Man of Elle has stroke
Writes book by blinking one eye
Heartbreaking, quite good.
Saturday - Ian McEwan
Rich man, lengthy thoughts
Angry fight, turns tables yet
does nothing - letdown!
Atonement - Ian McEwan
Affair, then child lies
Lots more story, no real end
Sensing a theme here.
Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
Clones in the future
Efficient, set, but happy?
Good, short, Savage read.
Never Let Me Go - Kazuo Ishiguro
You think high school sucked?
Clones become organ donors
Strange: was there a point?
I Love You, Beth Cooper - Larry Doyle
Nerd woos hot prom queen
In grad night redemption race
Sweet, funny, great read.
Cat's Eye - Margaret Atwood
Woman reviews life
Smart, Canadian Mean Girls
With paintings; insight.
Behind the Scenes at the Museum - Kate Atkinson
Tristam Shandy-style
memoir; large family tree
through years. Funny, smart.
Twilight - Stephanie Meyer
Vampire/human love,
Smut for middle school girls, but
Ashamed to say: good.
Now please share your own
To share what's good and what's not
May the best post win.
Slightly related -
Best paper headline ever
On teacher's firing:
"Poetry teacher told to take a haiku."
Friday, August 28, 2009
Teaching healthy skepticism about teaching
I thought this was a satirical piece when I started reading it, but it's a true account of the system in place to provide "time-out" for incompetent teachers. Unfortunately, time-out can last for years while arduous trial proceedings drag on, and teachers get paid for every penny of their time. It does tie into the larger debate about tenure/how to evaluate quality in teachers, but it may make you wish you didn't know that things were run this way.
For more on issues in education that don't have an easy answer, this is a New York Times discussion from a few weeks ago. One commentator refers to the "charade" of higher education, while others laud education schools, or discuss TFA and teacher evaluation. A lot is covered, because there is a lot to cover. However, my lukewarm experience in grad school, combined with what many have termed my "zero tolerance policy on BS," leads me to applaud this writer's take on education degrees (made even more telling by the fact that he himself is a professor of education):
"A master’s degree in most subfields in education...adds little or nothing to students’ knowledge or practical skills...if you ask graduating master’s students [as opposed to undergrads] who have managed to escape indoctrination (because they are fortunately endowed with a wide streak of skepticism), they will tell you that they learned nothing new. Yes, many teachers with master’s degrees in education are more skilled teachers. But this is not because they got a master’s degree. They went for a master’s degree because they are intelligent, were already skilled teachers (self-taught), and had the gumption to go back to school."
For more on accidental indoctrination into silly things, as well as a good representation of what an ed class can feel like:
For more on issues in education that don't have an easy answer, this is a New York Times discussion from a few weeks ago. One commentator refers to the "charade" of higher education, while others laud education schools, or discuss TFA and teacher evaluation. A lot is covered, because there is a lot to cover. However, my lukewarm experience in grad school, combined with what many have termed my "zero tolerance policy on BS," leads me to applaud this writer's take on education degrees (made even more telling by the fact that he himself is a professor of education):
"A master’s degree in most subfields in education...adds little or nothing to students’ knowledge or practical skills...if you ask graduating master’s students [as opposed to undergrads] who have managed to escape indoctrination (because they are fortunately endowed with a wide streak of skepticism), they will tell you that they learned nothing new. Yes, many teachers with master’s degrees in education are more skilled teachers. But this is not because they got a master’s degree. They went for a master’s degree because they are intelligent, were already skilled teachers (self-taught), and had the gumption to go back to school."
For more on accidental indoctrination into silly things, as well as a good representation of what an ed class can feel like:
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