An open to letter to that well-behaved girl in the coffee shop

I'm sorry to hear about that horrible situation with the car. Every patron in the coffee shop was. By 'situation' you must know that I am referring to the fact that your daddy won't buy you one. I admit, I was a little skeptical that you were deserving of a car as well. However, when you started to yelp that the one accident with your friend's car was 'barely' your fault, and you took note of that one 'unlucky' time when you wrecked your dad's car, my heart began to warm. Not only did you have a history of facing the challenges of driving, such as watching what is around you when you do it, but you are reflective and thoughtful, and perfectly willing to note your mistakes loudly in public for all to hear.

Similarly, I was surprised when you yelled "I'm 21 and I don't have my driver's license!" I had been completely willing to believe that you were much younger. Say 15. Or 5. However, only someone with the wisdom of your years would be able to negotiate with phrases such as "I don't want to!" and "I'm not trying to sound like I'm asking for the world here."

I also completely agree that your dad could be spending his money better. You were careful to note that a 20,000 euro piece of modern art that he wanted to buy would be "like, the same as a car" for you. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you understand how conversion rates work. You were shrieking about how much your econ textbook would cost, so I know that you at least have plans in the future to begin learning about money. When you do so, you will finally be able to prove to your dad that a $35,000 piece of art does not have wheels and all of your John Mayer CDs, and is therefore an inferior purchase.

To your father: well done holding your own in this discussion. I especially appreciated the part where you contemplated defrauding the SPCA by passing off your daughter's cat as a feral cat so that neutering would be free. The pull towards economics must run in the family, since you encouraged your daughter to split the cost of her textbook with a bunch of people and scan all of the pages they would need, copyright laws be damned. I do wish you could be a bit more hopeful about Muslims; you may be right that "between the people, the culture, and the religion, they're all doomed," but it just really brings down the atmosphere in the coffee shop when you say it out loud over your MacBook, apple danish and $4 latte.

Despite all of this, I could still feel the universal bond of a father-daughter relationship. You only care for her well-being, no matter where she goes. I concur that when she goes to Mexico on a drunken spring break with her sorority sisters, she should in no circumstance get into a taxi. You put it just the way that I always have: "No one wants to be in a cab with some Mexican".